Hash Trash #1270 – Taint My Juicy Pie, Do-Me Decimal Dominatrix

On the glorious day of 6/3, Taint My juicy Pie and Do-Me Decimal Dominatrix lured 40 or so wankers to the sleepy suburb neighborhood of Pheasants Ridge in West Columbia with promises of cold beer at a beer check and a shot check. The wankers on this day included the usual suspects of $5 infection, Works for Tips, Mr. Buttplugs, The Whore of Sarajevo, ZZ bottom the 3rd, Silence of the Clams, Amber Alert, Rim Tin Tin, Just Danielle, Pump n Dump, Chicks Won’t Stick, At Your Cervix, Velvet Vulva, Sex Apnea, As Long As It’s In, Barf Bag, Thar She Blows, Amazon.Cum, Just Joe, Just Devon, ECDC, Dr. Strangelove, Just Dillon, Just Bill, Just Aubrey, Just Patrick, Clean Up On Isle 3, & Just Diane; several long time no see `ems of which included Red Wing Hoover, Pony Boy, Free to Lay, Felicity Shagwell, The Flasher, Dick Head, Ass Spelunker, Late Night Drive Through, & Private Skin Flute; one visitor, Dirty White Goth Whore, & one virgin, Just Sally. Religion ensued and our fearless RA led us in prayer (which I now believe was warning sign for the trail to follow as the RA was unable remember the opening line of prayer… “repeat after me”)… after the bumpy start, there were several more pot holes, but alas, we made it through prayer with the RA claiming it was a result of a killer migraine and not the 250+ alcoholic beverages, I can only assume, were consumed in the time since last week’s AGM 69 Beer Check. Trail started down a nice grassy stretch but that didn’t last long because it quickly became apparent this was going to be a Cajun trail where every mark became a check. As trail led us into the shiggy, it also became apparent that we should require one of the Hares to be at least 5’8″. We zigged and zagged and looped back to where we started; wankers started mulling around confused as if we missed something, worried about the comments from the Hares at chalk talk warning “if you shortcut, you will miss the beer check”…the hares tried their best to confuse us, but have no worries we are smarter than that, they can’t fool us. The trail continued on and the FRB’s lead the way to the beer check, half minds rejoiced, mouths were watering in anticipation of the first sip of the sweet golden nectar, wait, no beer, it was all gone! 40 wankers and only 36 beers, now we were running the risk of dehydration, but hey safety 3rd, so no worries, we’ll be fine. Trail forges on, the FRB’s are leading the way, incorrectly back to the gravel road that lead us in to the beer check, mass confusion ensues, the hares feeling pity, directed the pack in the correct direction. We headed back into the shiggy, runners and walkers were at it together from here on out. We paralleled a creek, crisscrossing at various points which lead us to a drainage well. One half-mind even had the forethought to mention perfect that drainage well would be for a shot check, but without marks, no one ever thought to see if a shot was actually hidden in the well. Almost home, and Sex Apnea decides to take this rock trail theme a tad too literal and literally smashes a boulder onto his forehead (rock theme meant wear a Lynard Skynard shirt with your Jorts, and not drop boulders onto your head my friend). After a little more shiggy that was about as thick as Cambodian jungle, me make to a clearing which lead us back to circle. Beers were consumed, camaraderie was had, and violations began. The men were violated for being creepy. Sex Apnea and Cervix were violated for being matchy matchy in the jorts and Amazon was violated for not understanding the concept of jorts by failing to cut off the lower leg. Just Patrick was violated for being WAY too prepared for trail with his camel back, water proof pants, sun screen, bug spray, energy bars, fire making kit, head lamp, utility knife, tent, & a compass. Just Dillon was violated for losing his car key on trail. Clean up Isle 3 & Just Diane were violated for sex in circle, again (we get it, you two are hornier for each other than two teenagers). As circle wrapped up, The Flasher and Felicity promised us this would finally be their last trail with us (I feel like I have been hearing this promise for the past 4 months), they bid adieu by giving us drunkards more alcohol, we bid them adieu by singing them a farewell song, their the #1 long-term visitors in our minds! On On to savage!

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