#1247 Ugly Xmas Sweater Hash
As I pull up in the empty parking lot of yet another industrial area designated as our start, I am met by our hares for the day, $5 Infection dressed in his finest Xmas sweater complete with mistletoe accessory and skin belt and Chicks Won’t Stick who reminded me of one of the kids from A Charlie Brown Christmas.As the hares regaled me with stories of the awesomeness of the trail to come and promises of sweat, mud and blood, the wankers started to trickle in…. newly named Works 4 Tips, Lick Stick (Sadly without her jello shots – what is Xmas without jello shots?), Amber Alert, Just (Wrong) Susan, I’m Tho Thor and Just Yappy Dog, Spew Tube, Felicity Shagwell, The Flasher, those British Wankers from Phoenix Widow Clito and Just Andrew, Captain Cupcake, Taint My Juciy Pie, Fossil, Dump ‘n Scrunch,FEY Lay!, NCLB and Just Phoebe, B4B, NEC, EMC, As Long As It’s In and his lovely but very hungover wife, 3 West, Blinded by the Spooge and Silence of the Clams who flew in just for the occasion.
As 3pm came and went, I naturally began hollering in PnD fashion at my lover and Religious Advisor, NEC to get the Chalk Talk started.So we circled and we welcomed Just Andrew, a Brit and a true wanker – naturally we knew he would fit in perfectly.After a few seconds silence (not of the clams variety) for Hasher Humper and a prayer to Natty Boh, the pack was off.One mark, two marks, three marks….. On-On…..then, NOTHING.The entire pack was dispersed over a wide area just wandering around like a bunch of zombies.After 5 minutes of this nonsence, this harriette stumbled upon a true trail arrow and off we were into the woods. Jeezie Creezie…. Do I have to tell you guys everything??? Through shiggy, streams and hills we went and then we hit the dreaded pavement where I am passed up by Taint.Holy Shite!This trail must be too well marked if he isn’t lost!Back into the woods, we find the Shot Check where Old Faithful and EMT show up!
The pack was off again with fire in their bellies for more trail or it could have been the Rumplemintz Hot Chocolate shots!A couple more miles in and out of the marshy cesspools of PG County and we finally made it to the elusive beer stop.And everyone was rejoicing except Amber Alert because Lick Stick was lost – AGAIN.So, he grabbed a beer and did something gentlemanly, went back to look for her.
The pack was off again but this harriette decided to do the smart thing….. BIMBO back to the start.So, I get in the hash wagon with $5, Chicks and 3 West (who was still hungover) and we commence to watch the pack go down a hill, into an over-the-head reed marsh, back up a hill to a CHECK! From the comfort of the warm truck, we rubbed each other’s shoulders, drank spiked hot chocolate and laughed as they searched for true trail.Once found it was no longer funny, so we headed back to the start.
At the start, we were greeted by another bimbo, Cervix who decided that ugly Xmas sweater meant jort camos, black ankle socks and a vest. It was dark at this time but wankers started to make it back in with B4B being the FRB again…. Even with the FRB bag.With Amber Alert still looking for Lick Stick, Fossil took one for the team and stepped in a hole twisting his ankle just in time to see FEY Lay! and Lick Stick walk up to everyone’s surprise.
After our RA changed into his Xmas lights, we circled and violations were given out.Just Wrong Susan told us a story about this one time on the street in the Red Light District while trying to steal a grass skirt with another girl from a bar and some dud asked them “How much for the two of them?”We were left bored and unfulfilled so we gave out more violations and the pack was happy.Gifts where given out by the hares for the ugliest Xmas sweaters, and the pack left in peace to hopefully get a piece.
Then Amber showed up….. he should probably avoid Laurel.