Hash Trash #1217: The Red Cross Trail or Red, White and Boh
There’s nothing better than hashing for a good cause, and this trail was full of opportunities. Not only could wankers donate blood, via thorns, ticks and leeches, but they were saluting veterans with good old American beer. Naptown hashers Clams and Pump and Dump set trail in Millersville, the birthplace of the Miller Brewing Company (yea, very few people know that) and they were able to zero in on the exact spot that had the most ticks per capita and was about a thousand degrees Fahrenheit.
Things got out of hand before trail even started. ECDC showed up wearing a thong from DCH4’s pool party, and tried to figure out which harriette it fit, attempting to find his true love. (Oddly enough, it fit Big Pussy quite nicely). B4B, overexcited about his new haberdasher duties, started pimping out items like Joan Rivers on QVC. Fabulous Bi-otch Beer Helmet: $24.99 – today only!!!! PND, looking fabulous in a fur bikini, declared she was NOT going to flash anyone. LMI and Just Colleen got lost on the way to circle, never to be seen again. Just Jessi showed up with a male entourage, including Just Trevor of sweater vest fame; Just Josh and Just Toby (the virgins); Just Norman and Just Big Meat.
There were two visitors from PA: Pork Puller and Glory Hole. Other wankers included Peter Puller, $5i, Hosehead, Gaelick, Dump N Scrunch, Stevie Wunderlick, CA3, I Suck – Not Well, NEC, Sex Apnea, Big Pussy, DAD, Cervix, Velvet Vulva, Redwing, Fossil, and two people wearing hats.
As soon as the pack took off, Redwing Hoover started whining. No one would take the walker’s trail with him and he was bleeding. Pobrecito. Why he was bleeding? He’s just a sensitive, sensitive man. Just Norman proved again he can’t finish by twisting his ankle after running 100 feet. When the pack returned to this pair after a back check, Redwing was propositioning JN, who was on the ground doing some kind of crabwalk. Moving on.
Thorns, ticks, lots of big logs to straddle, and then some ass-fault. The pack ran through about 87 miles of humid hell* before finally reaching the beer check. Sex Apnea vowed to never be FRB again, at least until January. You could tell everyone was bad off when they bypassed the Natty Boh and headed straight for the cooler of aqua.
Just Johnny got iced and downed a pineapple Smirnoff, and Dirty Ass Dawg proved that she can fit a lot of things inside her belly button. Just Jessi and her men showed up 20 minutes after everyone else. I’ll just leave that there. No one wanted to continue trail except for Velvet and Cervix, who sought alone time in the thorns, but PND can be pretty forceful, so the pack headed out.
And got lost. In a parking lot. For 20 minutes. It wasn’t even a nice parking lot. No shade and no fancy cars. Eventually, they figured out they had to guess where the marks would be and then jump over a guard rail into oncoming traffic. (Is this kind of a thing now?) Next up was a rusty fence around a power station. (Again, a thing?) Just Trevor and Just Guy Stupid Enough to Follow Just Trevor scaled the fence when there was a gaping three foot hole in the bottom of it and trail didn’t even go that way. They emerged from underneath gushing, “Boy, that was fun.”
The pack was transported from Millersville to some kind of rain forest. Ferns and tropic plants everywhere. Thankfully, there were no creepy blue naked people running around. While trudging through the Amazon River, or perhaps the harriers’ sweat, NEC, Gaelick, DAD and the two visitors wandered aimlessly until they heard yelling. Was it a suburban mugging? No, a shot check! With a choice of red or blue. Or both – the only way to make a proper comparison. The pack didn’t waste much time here. It was time to get our bloody and sweat soaked arses to the on-in.
NEC took 27 years to get to circle since he was having a private party in his car. Finally, things got started. Violations: Just Jessi and Sex Apnea for being twinsies in their jorts, although hers did lack the prerequisite crotch hole; DAD for wearing a bikini on trail and stopping to take a swim break; Just Big Meaty for sporting a sweater in the summertime; half the pack for auto hashing after the beer check; NEC for forgetting the lyrics to his own rap; Just Colleen for trying to score a deal with B4B.
And then the birthdays. Sex Apnea passed through the gauntlet easily, but Cervix proved too much for the harriettes to handle. Hosehead chose to do it on her back so she could judge for herself which of the kilted hashers really were. Verdict: all of them.
On – Give another chance. Give blood – On
Dirty Ass Dawg
*This song was written about the on after. What foresight! I think the video was shot there too.