Hash Trash #1212: 1000 Ways to Die

This is long, so you may want to grab a piece of pie before reading …

Sunday was the day the artists formerly known as Just Michael and Just Catey finally did something stupid enough to warrant naming: haring a trail with the two “asses,” ATM and GAP. 

So many idiots showed up for this trail. Said idiots included PND, ECDC, Amber Alert, NEC, DAD, Just David, Just Jessie, Just Molly, Gigolo, Bobbin, Cleanup, Something Black, Gaelick, Joe the Unsuspecting Virgin, LMIB, Lick Stick, I Suck, Just Ben, B4B, Just Johnny, random other Justs, Too Sexy, a visitor from PUDJAM, a couple from Guyana … Oh, and Sex Apnea was there wearing jean shorts.

This trail reminded me of three things: the super creepy nursery rhyme, Ten Little Indians*; the Final Destination movie series; and the Spike TV show 1000 Ways to Die …

#1 Death by Boredom. Circle took forever to start, with the hares running back and forth between their cars and straightening their paper crowns. Finally, they left, after filling the pack in on their completely fabricated trail markings. The thoroughly confused virgin begged to have a beer before trail, after glancing back at his car about 27 times.

#2 Death by Clogged Arteries. The first part of trail was frustrating: a lot of pavement and a shitload of checks. There was an opportunity to jump off a bridge and into a rock filled gorge. For you literary peoples, this is called foreshadowing. Finally, something exciting emerged: the Burger King drive-through! Sadly Bad Dog wasn’t there to enjoy it …

#3 Death by Bacterial Infection. Ask for shiggy and it appears. It smells like a fresh bag of shit on a hot, summer’s day. It was slow going to trudge through, thanks to all the downed trees, so the pack got to bask in odiferous pleasantry for several minutes. Note to self … add bottle of Vicks to hash bag.

#4 Death by Diesel Engine. After more ass-fault and an opportunity for a dog mauling, the wankers ran past a group of cabbies washing their cars. One said he was “jealous of the exercise.” Apparently, he had a death wish. Next came a set of train tracks, complete with train perfectly timed to flatten less observant pack members. This time it was Just Johnny (?) up for extermination.

#5 [Choice of Three] Death by Lockjaw, Pavement Splatter, or Electrocution. Train didn’t work? Try thinning out the pack three ways in one fell swoop. Set trail across an 8-inch wide steel beam a couple stories off the ground with nothing but a rusty, high voltage wire to break the fall. Safety net? We don’t need no stinking safety net!

#6 Death by Malaria. Next, more shit-smelling shiggy, PI, and a lot of trash. While picking through the PI fields, the pack reaches a cliff face. AFKNA Just Catey appears looking adorable, sitting on a ledge, holding a camera. No one knows why she’s taking pictures, and few figure it out later either. Something about how the stupid people climbed down the rocks and the smart people turned tail and headed for the on after.

True trail points into the storm drain, just as it starts to rain heavily. Wankers without cranium lamps curled up in a ball and drowned. The unlucky survivors trudged on into the darkness. They were encouraged by “BNs” and “BVNs” and “BVVVVVVNs” until they weren’t anymore and just felt duped. Just before they reached the Harbor, they found the soggy, sad and dark hares … and about 50 thousand mosquitoes. 

#10 Death by Pavement Splatter Revisited. The hares thoughtfully wrote “BVC” on the ground before sending the pack over a guardrail and across the first of many heavily trafficked and not pedestrian friendly expressways. Victim #17: Amber Alert, via poorly executed swan dive over a Jersey wall.

#11 [Choice of Two] Death by Heroin Overdose or LACK OF BEER!!! After more PI sightings, death defying street crossings, and dispatching AA to the ER, the pack regains its will to live as BNs start to appear once again leading to what the Balmorese** refer to as a shooting gallery. When one hasher steps on a needle casing, all hashers step on a needle casing! Not on purpose; there were just that many. And instead of beer there was a sleeping bum. After 20 minutes of no booze, the hares cut tail and ran dropping TP in their wake, narrowly avoiding cause #13: Death by Angry Mob of Sober Hashers.

#14 Death by Being Lost and Eaten by Vultures. After DAD falls backwards over a guardrail and lands eloquently on her back in the middle of oncoming traffic, the pack heads up a hill and finds a check in the middle of the woods. By this time, half of them, led by Regurgasex, and of course Gigolo, are so pissed at the hares they try to shortcut everything. To the delight of the non-whiny-ass hashers, it doesn’t really work, since every single one of them ends up lost anyway.

#15 Death by Raging Stupidity. Turkey/Eagle split. The eaglers get to walk across an ever-so-sturdy beaver/plastic bottle dam, do some ninja-style wall scaling, trudge through neck-high piranha infested rushing water, run from 50 foot boulders, swallow swords, walk through fire, and jump a 500 foot chasm on a motorcycle. No one thinks to do a head count at the end of trail. Just as well.

Circle starts in an area with surprisingly few hypodermic needles. There were some violations, but this is already getting long. Suffice to say, the hares were in the middle for about half an hour. More importantly: two namings. The story emerges that TAFKA Just Catey didn’t bring beer to the heroin check because she was trying to run over an Englishwoman who attacked her Jeep with an umbrella. After several unsuccessful attempts, TAFKAJC tries to drive off, and the woman, clearly a stage-five clinger, grabs onto her door handle and threatens to call the cops. TAFKAJC, in a desperate attempt to save the beer, floors it. She’s a hasher through and through, and she earns the name: Driving Miss Crazy.

TAFKAJM is just not as interesting … until he admits he has been stalking DMC since he was 12. DMC is shocked to learn that he has been following her around the country for over a decade and is actually living in her apartment. He becomes *drum roll please* I Stalk U Long Time.

Sadly, DMC and Stalk are leaving us, but they did so just in time. In a wicked case of karma, both of the Ass hares came down with raging cases of PI on Tuesday.

*Happy Happy oh My Friend*

Dirty Ass Dawg