Hash Trash #1206: A Beautiful Disaster
So much shit went down on this trail– to keep things brief, let’s play a little game. Which of these things did NOT happen on trail yesterday?
- Dozens of wankers drank “GAP’s Special Sauce”
- Schmegg did something stupid
- Just Trevor incinerated some of Amazon’s money
- Cheap Ass Gigolo wore Fey’s kilt on his head for hours
Believe it or not #2 is the right answer! (btw I’m expecting someone to prove me wrong)
Should we play the game again? Yeah….let’s do it! Again, which of these things did NOT happen on trail yesterday?
- Amazon, for the first time in years, had a beer check.
- Some hashing stud brought 6 virgins to trail.
- ZZ once again declared that he doesn’t like men. (dude, we get it)
- The safety third made a glorious return
This one was a trick question– all that shit happened. Okay, let’s actually spell these things out in a little bit more detail.
So the wankers all converged on Amazon’s lovely abode. A good 25-30 on trail plus another 5-10 auto hashers. A really good crowd of wankers. Any Cock and Lil Flour took the virgins (I think we had 8 total) through chalk talk and then Any Cock led us in prayer. I think he must be getting a lot better at prayer (or the hashing gods just felt bad for us) because as alluded to earlier the Lord Natty Boh actually made an appearance on Amazon’s trail.
Anyways the pack was off. R*nning the same terrain we ran just a couple months ago (you remember, the one where Amazon had to be shamed into putting a last minute shot check on her trail). So yeah, same exact terrain. Except I think we ran it backwards. But who can blame her, she’s got a lot of good shiggy there. And why waste your time planning out a new trail? As usual the pack got lost at a monster check– luckily Flour was driving the shot check down the road and was able to point us to the river crossing that we’d traverse immediately after.
With 8 virgins on trail the crossing was particularly funny. Some of them started taking off their shoes and socks. Well this only led to them slipping on the rocks as they crossed. Just Trevor fell all the way in. Just a lot to laugh about there. Moving on, I could do nothing but admire Amazon’s circle jerk of a turkey-eagle split. Well played Amazon. Big Jugs — the Texas transplant who ran the whole trail in nothing but a tiny pair of r*nning shorts (he’s my new hero) — he collected several pieces of treasure including a 50’s Chevy hubcap.
Back at the house….for a pack that felt collectively hungover on trail I must say they really brought their A-game to circle. I tried to teach our virgins how to do a down down but they were so excited for the beer we gave them that they drank it all right away. Young, awestruck and eager for beer. These were the good kind of virgins.
NEC laid down another hilarious rap for Amazon and Flour (lyrics please?). And then we proceeded with violations. And my, my, how we violated each other. Over and over. Let’s start with Just Trevor. This guy spent more time in the circle then outside. He was just asking for it (and loving it– NCLB you really missed out). Twinsies for the sweater vests that he and Just Johnny wore to trail. Three separate safety violations. Requesting that more men join him in circle. He just couldn’t stop doing stupid shit. Unfortunately he’s from Norfolk so we won’t be the kennel that names him “Touched My Cock And Fell Asleep.”
Sex Apnea and Gigolo were violated for sex in circle. Amazon was violated for calling me on trail to tell us not to hit a backcheck that only became necessary because she ran out of flour. Just Glenn is a racist and clearly pretty proud of it. Lil Flour was hit with a safety violation or two. NEC called me GAP again.
We queried Just Roxy for information….unfortunately she was DD’ing the Annapolis crew and wasn’t properly sloshed enough to reveal any interesting tidbits (though she did grab my ass again). Oh well, another time Roxy.
The on after was right where circle was. Lil Flour cooked us delicious burgers and we all just kept getting drunker. GAP and I mixed up his latest batch of Loko in an attempt to recreate the original– I think he’s getting really close! The liquid didn’t come roaring out of the bottle all fizzed up or anything. And several of the pack even said they liked the taste! GAP’s Special Sauce. Look for it in convenience stores right next to the 5 hour energy’s this summer!
btw props to Amazon for selecting her own house for the on after– it gave the pack an opportunity to break out a bunch of the long verse songs that are no longer customary at the BAH3. B4B, Redwing, ZZ, Schmegg and GAP carried the pack through Yogi, Chicago, S&M Man, My Girlfriend is a Vegetable, I Met a Ho in the Park, and probably a few others. This was about the time that Just Molly did her best “weekend at bernie’s” impersonation on Amazon’s chair.
Believe it or not, despite all of this debauchery the pack was once again unable to scare off a young, respectable looking virgin: Just Jessie. $5I must have had an off day. I’ll go back to the drawing board and see what I can come up with to scare her off. Suggestions welcome.
Then after most everyone had left some strangers from around the block showed up in Teletubby costumes. We danced a little and they gave us candy. We gave them beer. Amazon got upset that they had bigger boobs than her and took all of the beer inside. We didn’t get the message that she wanted us to leave until she turned off the porch light. So I piled the Teletubbies into my car and they directed me to a gay strip club. Things get fuzzy here. I think they went onstage and performed a show. I woke up in the backseat of my car with one of Pump N Dump’s bimbo socks on my arm. Again, not quite sure what happened there.
Other wankers present included Barf Bag, CP, Fossil, Gaelick, Anal Crusader, Too Sexy, Cleanup, Honeysuckle, Amazon’s neighbor, Just Norbert, Just Joel, Just Joe, Park and Ride, Hosehead, Loose Drawers, and Stick it in my Socket. I know you guys all did some stupid shit too, but this trash is already too long.
on on to future beautiful disasters!