Hash trash #1203: Small words for a big man
I spent most of Sunday morning and afternoon feeling under the weather. But I had a strong desire to support a couple of freshman hares ($5 Infection especially, since he and I joined the hash around the same time and thus share something like the bond between brothers in the same pledge class of a fraternity… the sort of bond that comes from being pressured by “friends” to consume libations and remove our undergarments and allow ourselves to be photographed throughout the entire ordeal because “we’ve all done it too”.) Cheap-Ass Gigolo claims he’s not a newbie hare but was very light on the details with regard to where or when he might actually have hared before, or if anyone attended the alleged trail. Which isn’t to say that experience is a prerequisitie: hashing ain’t rocket science. However, despite combining their formidable brainpower, they still managed to lead the pack into confusion, misery, and miserable confusion.
TWEET! Time out! I apologize. I had promised Gigolo that I would only use small words in this week’s hash trash. Let’s start over:
Sunday is a hashing day! SB felt yucky Sunday 🙁 SB likes her friends. SB went to see her friends even though she felt yucky. SB’s friends were in a parking lot near a big, big road. SB stopped her car near a nice man who was taking a pee pee near the big, big road.
CAG and $5i had something to tell their friends. All the friends got together to listen to what CAG and $5i had to say. CAG pretended to be Cool Hand Luke even though he was dressed like a cop! CAG is very silly. $5i and CAG told their friends about a game they would play. The “hares” would run away and leave a trail behind them, and the friends would make a “pack” and follow the trail. The friends asked, where will the trail go? $5i said, it is a surprise! A surprise sounds like fun, don’t you think? $5i and CAG said there were different trails that led to different surprises. One led to cold drinks! The other trail led to ass rape by mean people. Choose Your Own Adventure is always fun!
The pack waited for the hares to run away for a while. They waited a little extra because they have seen $5i drinking milkshakes before trail. Then they followed the marks! The marks went along a hill, and then they stopped. The pack stopped too. Where could the next mark be? Oh, GAP found it! It was very far away.
The pack followed the marks. They followed the marks down a road, and past a prison full of scary women who have done bad things, and the trailers where the women who are good get to hug their friends. They followed the marks through yucky mud, and sharp thorns. They followed the marks up and down steep hills. They did such a good job following marks that CAG and $5i gave them cold drinks!
They got to one place where the marks went in different directions. The hares didn’t say what to do if the marks went in different directions! The pack didn’t know what to do. Redwing Hoover* sat down and cried. ECDC was bleeding from the sharp thorns. No Child wanted to go home. But Amazon told everyone about how it is important to never give up. Then Schmegg got bored and started to play with his wee wee, so everyone ran away as fast as they could, and found more marks! What luck!
The marks got farther and farther apart. Oh no! Were the hares running out of flour? What if they ran out and the pack had no more marks to show them the way home? Any Cock was worried that his woman would starve in her pit in the basement. Redwing Hoover sat down and cried. But everyone helped each other find marks, and together they found CAG and $5i waiting for them with more cold drinks! Hooray! Everyone cheered and hugged. Redwing Hoover sat down and cried with happiness.
The pack was almost home! ZZ and SB showed up first, and people whispered about whether they were secretly dating. B4B and Peter Puller showed up second, and people whispered about whether they were secretly dating. Then the rest of the pack showed up too! FeyLAY showed up a lot later because she was so busy having adventures on the trail!
All the friends got into a big circle to sing songs and have cold drinks and call each other silly names. The friends even gave Krysten a new silly name! They called her “Let Me In, Bitch!” instead of something clever. The friends were tired and had had a lot of cold drinks by then!
It got cold and dark, so the friends got in their cars and went to a warm place full of hot sausages and cold drinks and old white people dancing the polka! What fun! Slowman went out danced first, and the old people told Slowman how it was so nice to see young people dancing the polka, and offered him their granddaughter’s hand in marriage. Schmegg showed some of the old women his wee wee and they all wanted to dance with him! SB danced with Gaelick until Gaelick wasn’t having fun anymore, then kept dancing.
The friends all had such fun, they made plans to play the game again a week later!
* Editor’s note: this part was originally cast as B4B, but when I told him about it, he sat down and cried, so I changed it. BEST GIRLFRIEND EVER