Hash Trash #1202: Side Dick Urkel
This is the true story of the trail that resulted in the naming of Just James…or how shit got real in Upper Marlboro. I should have known this trail was going to get interesting the moment Gigolo picked up Just Colleen and I and the discussion turned to how The Kite Runner was loosely based on the story of his life as a hasher in Baltimore. When we finally pulled up to the start we discovered the usual band of wankers milling about and looking vaguely suspicious…Clams (whose t-shirt proudly proclamined his love of pumps fake boobs) Pump, looking sexy in some hot pink camo pants, FeyLey! looking adorable in her kilt and Uggs as always, Mad Dog, BarfBag, always ready w. a pun, some bettter than others, Gaelick and Nugget, Cervix, ZZ and Just James (who would soon be named), LickStick, rocking some sexy red lipstick, the kilted wonders, Druid and Just Craig, Virgin Tom and Virgin Ellie, SexApnea, the jean shorts really show off his quads, Hose Head, looking enchanting in red, Schmegg, who does not feel the sensation of cold, EMC always ready with a song, Peter Puller, back in action, Dick Trimmins, Couff, Just Roxy, who was working the tie-dye, two visitors including Two Buck Fuck, Pooper Trooper, and I think thats everyone? What we did not find however were the hares, who briefly went missing. All was well however when Running Bhare and the Doctor arrived and promptly took off in opposite directions…without letting the pack know who was setting what…oh well, we have all hashed before, we’ve got this under control. Cervix then gave a refreshingly brief chalk talk and introduced our two virgins to the group…it was not really clear who directed them to the hash, they mumbled something about a “friend” telling them about it (wonder if they are still “friends” after yesterday?). In any case, after Barfbags careful assessment of the time, the pack was off. We headed into some shiggy and traversed our way through a nice stretch of woods, so far so good. The pack arrived at the first beer check, which was thoughtfully located on a muddy island oasis…and then something unexpected happened, we noticed some movement in the trees up above and there was the Doctor, setting trail, before our very eyes, this is awkward…then moments later we spot more movement in the trees, and we see Running Bhare setting trail as well. I suppose this means we are heading in that direction….Post beer check the pack is off again, only to hear ZZ mention to Cervix that this all looks very familiar…in fact, isnt this the chalk from the trail they set the other week? So whose trail are we on now? Once it is determined that we are on the right trail, we hit the turkey/eagle split….Barfbag briefly tried to sell me on the fact that of course E stands for easy…not buying it mister (eagle will forever be tainted for me since the power of the pussy, where I got lost and then lost my dignity shortly thereafter, I have since learned to check that at the door when hashing). Some overachievers hit up the eagle trail…but the cool kids stuck to the turkey trail, where we were treated to some lovely suburban waste (sinks, washers/dryers, you know, pretty standard stuff). Eventually we all make it back to a nice clear area and gather around in a cozy little circle. Cervix, our fearless leader, settles the pack and violations begin. Apparently we were all good little hashers today, as it seems the majority of violations involve the fact that an inordinate amount of hashers have decided to rock the camo, and that there is a large cougar coalition at this trail (unfortunately for me, I am not allowed to participate in the cougar violations, as I am deemed a house cat). After everyone has been appropriately violated the circle turns to the important matter of naming Just James. JJ is brought into circle and asked to recount his life story for us…he left home at 16, lost his virginity at 15, was a farmer, yadda, yadda, yadda, several questions were asked about his sexual history and preferences, which may or may not have been awkward for ZZ (who as it turns out had not previously heard the story of how he was conceived). At some point during this it was noted that Just James happened to bear a striking resemblance to Urkel and in a serendipitous turn of events he was also pantsed. What we saw was both impressive and led to the naming of Side Dick Urkel…you may be asking yourself, “why Side Dick?” Fortunately moments before, Gigilo revealed to Pump and I that he really appreciated some nice underboob (in fact he had a poster of Kelly Lebrock’s underboob as a teen). Male version of underboob = side dick, done and done. Other suggestions were thrown out as well, pretty sure ZZ has the list scribbled on an empty beer box (which I hope he saved for posterity) if you would like to know them all. Cervix then babtized Just James, known hence forth as Side Dick Urkel, in the name of our Lord Natty Boh, and there was much rejoicing! The pack disbanded and headed over to the Hideaway to continue the celebration. Drinks were had, dancing commenced and some bathroom shenanigans ensued once it was discovered that both the men’s and women’s rooms had some interesting decorations (refer to the pics). Eventually everyone dispersed and the Baltimore carpool dropped ZZ off at his home, which normally would not be worth mentioning…except that when Gigiolo asked ZZ where the closest liquor store was, he replied “my house.” So needless to say, in true hasher form, ZZ ended the night by cleaning up his mess off of Just Colleen’s back (was that exactly how you wanted me to tell it ZZ?).
On-looking forward to running past the Women’s Correctional Facility in Jessup next Sunday-On
Just Krysten (soon to be Bunny Boiler?)