Hash Trash #1174: The Campys
It’s impossible to write a trash for the entire campout weekend. Or perhaps it is more accurate to say that I am too lazy to write a trash for the entire campout weekend. Instead, I’ll sum up the highlights by dishing out a few special awards a la the Emmys or Grammys. My congratulations/condolences to all I’ve singled out, and to all those in attendance, feel free to add to the list!
Best Barney Rubble Impersonation: Any Cock’ll Do Me a.k.a. BoneCock the Warrior
Best Jack the Necrophiliac impersonation: Queerly I’m Straight, for attending a funeral in the middle of a hash weekend
Ultimate Hasher Award: Pyro, for running straight through the second check six miles into a nine-mile trail because there was no beer
Greatest Trail of All Time: Any Cock’ll Do Me, Bobbin’ 4 Buttplugs, and Something Black Near My Hole. This trail was so fucking money. All you people lying down on the side of the road after the third check were clearly just weak in the knees at how awesome we are.
Goldfish Award: Ponyboy, for continually having to be reminded of all the shit he did and couldn’t remember five minutes later
Orgasm Noises Most Detrimental to the Sleep of Those in Neighboring Tents: Mi-Racki Freedom
Hope Springs Eternal Award: Ass To Mouth a.k.a. Just John a.k.a. Yanni a.k.a. Fabio, for showing up without a tent
Silent But Deadly Award: Just Katie, for saying not a single word all weekend until suggesting the name ATM
Best Advertising of Circumcision Status: ATM, for the tighty-whiteys he claimed were “dance pants”
Rookie of the Year: ATM, for all the reasons mentioned above, and so many more
Worst Idea: Strip Tippy Cup. Resulted in three people I didn’t particularly need to see naked and one I see naked all the time anyhow.
Best Idea: Whoever gave safety pins to Breathless so that his sarong would stop blowing the fuck open all the time. Be sure to cash in your high fives with me later!
Best Period Costume: That pilgrim at the museum/heritage center that you all scared the shit out of when yelling on trail nearby. It was clearly cramping her butter-churning style.
Hollow Leg Award: Just Louise. How does such a tiny person drink so much beer and keep running???
10.0 Award: Tub Slut, for his naked swan dive into a wading pool. Those anorexic underage Chinese girls at the Summer Olympics couldn’t have done any better.
Most Brazen Attempt to Administer Date Rape Drugs: Couff and Hosehead, for that weird green stuff with the “secret ingredient” they wouldn’t reveal. Here’s a pro tip: young people know not to take candy from strangers in masks.
Worst Sex Attempt: Ponyboy trying to do the ice luge. Just ‘cause it’s got a hole doesn’t mean you need to stick your junk in it, bro.
Worst Blowjob: Stanley, munching on Any Cock’s bone. Dogs get so toothy.
Worst Lesbians: Pump and Dump and Daddy’s Little Fucktard. It shouldn’t be necessary to tape you together to get hot lesbo action. You should just be going at it after a few beers, like all those chicks on Spring Break.