Hash Trash #1101 – Dude, Where’s My Sherpa?
Hares: Pony Boy and Just Julie
Who would think that cumming out of retirement would make Pony Boy this cranky and sadistic? He f*ed us from the beginning by conveniently hiding that check behind the light pole. Not one of us saw it and as a result we wandered, lost and confused in the middle of the road, only steps from the start. We solved this check only to be led directly to the next quagmire where again, lost and confused, we stumbled around the drainage pond for a good 10 minutes before some genius wanker (I find hashing to be full of oxymorons) saved us.
The pack quickly lost me and my Hairy Snatch but everyone finally made it to the shot check and we even picked up a few more wankers along the way. Mi-Rack-I and All The Way In claim to have been lost is that what kids are calling it these days?! Pleased with his use of urban planning to this point, Pony moved us into the outskirts of Patapsco Park. Shoe sucking swamp mud and sticker bushes as far as the eye could see. Mud and blood were just the start. Ahead, we had 7,692 downed trees to clamber across. And this was just the start of todays climbing!
By this time the pack had moved well ahead, leaving Film, Mi-Rack-I, and Hairy Snatch in the dust. We switch-backed through the hills and continued our gradual ascent. Notice the word gradual; this is the last time you will see it referred to when speaking of todays trail. We continued to wind up and around to the right. In the distance to the far right a road was visible. Surely this was the way to the beer check. But wait! An evil monster loomed directly ahead; a colossal climb second only in elevation and wickedness to Kilimanjaro. And then we heard it: Beer Near! OnOn! Ever chivalrous All The Way In was beckoning us to the Promised Land. Hell, he even descended The Green Monster and escorted the three damsels to Yeungling safety. The pack finished out the trail with a lovely crossing of the ankle-deep, bath water warm Patapsco River. Or was it the waist deep, 50 degree Patapsco River? Im delirious from the climb.
Everyone made their way to OnIn and eventually circle began. We took special care to thank Pony Boy and Just Julie for their efforts. Repeatedly. We welcomed Furry Palms, our visitor from the Florida Panhandle as well as our virgin Just Ben, who came all on his own. FeyLAY! sported her new bedazzled Barbie camera. Bobbin 4 Buttpluggs hung his Beer Mile Champ mug from heavy chains around his neck, determined to never again be separated from his award. Too bad he didnt make the chain long enough because he was violated for auto-strangulation every time he tried to take a drink. Michael Vick (whose real hash name eludes me) was violated for holding dog fights during circle, chalk-talk, and on trail. His response to this accusation was to moon the pack. His dogs response to his mooning the pack? Immediately trying to hump him. I cant make this stuff up people, it was one of the funniest things Ive ever seen. Beer came out of my nose. Hairy Snatch snuck what was left of the jell-o shooters from the cooler. Fey and Pro Boner serenaded Minnie Brew with a goodbye rap as this was her last hash before deserting us for Atlanta. MB YOU WILL BE MISSED! THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE!